So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think my fart just growled at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
