3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
