The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Pants are for mortals
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
