I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
