She's JV to your varsity
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I puked a lego.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
