This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
