My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
