the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
