someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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