Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize