We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
