does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
