the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
