so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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