god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
