what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
