Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
