Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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