I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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