She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
