If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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