Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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