I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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