he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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