You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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