Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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