my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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