Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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