I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
