meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
