we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize