Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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