So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
