I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
