i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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