Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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