it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize