Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
