you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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