It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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