I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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