someone get that fucking seahorse.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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