I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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