Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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