He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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