I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
