In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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