I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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