Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
