my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
