Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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