Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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