I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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