I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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