I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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