You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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