Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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