Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
