Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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