any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
