We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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