a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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