i think my mom watched the whole time
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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