This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
