fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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