I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
