the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
